>Diana jokes
Diana, Princess of Wales
The Jokes
Warning: Independent reviewers have found these jokes
Sick, Lewd and Tasteless.
Please, do not read them if you are easily offended.
Otherwise, Read 'em and "Di laughing"
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1.What does DIANA stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident!
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2.What does DODI stand for?
Died Opposite DI.
Or...
... Died Of Driver Intoxication
... Died On Dashboard Impact
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3.Did you know that Princess Diana had AIDS?
Automobile Impacted Diana Spencer
Or...
... Another Idiot Driver Smashed
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4.What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porsche?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porsche!
Or...
... a BMW
... a Lada
... etc.
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5.What did St Peter say to Di at the Pearly Gates?
Wipe that greasy "merc" off your face.
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6.What did Di wear for her funeral?
A dark blue bonnet.
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7.What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident?
Well, that's the way the Mercedes BENZ.
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8.What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?
They both make Royal Jelly.
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9.What's the difference between a Mercedes 600 and a can of spam?
They give you a key to get the meat out a can of spam.
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10.Why is a Mercedes like a squid?
They've both got Di in them when they're opened.
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11.What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
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12.Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?
Pulverised Mercedes Syndrome.
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13.Why didnt the airbag on the Merc function properly?
It was strapped into a safety belt in the back seat.
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14.You've read Fergie's books about "Budgie the Helicopter"?
Now read Diana's book, "Scrunchie the dark blue Mercedes"
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15.Hear about the new Mercedes?
It comes with two airbags and three bodybags.
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16.I've heard they are changing the name of Mercedes to Mercedes straights,
because they don't benz very well.
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17.Why was Diana in a Merc?
Because she flatly refused to get in any other car.
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18.New 1998 model now available:
"Mercedes-Benz-Twistz-Manglz-Crunchz"
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19.What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common?
Diana can't stop either.
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20.What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?
BMW doesn't get any royalties.
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21.did you know that Diana actually was a reincarnation of Janis Joplin?
She had asked God thirty years ago to buy her a M... B...!
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22.This guy goes into a second hand car dealers looking for a new car, he sees a salesman and asks him for some advice. 'Certainly Sir' the salesman answers. 'Have a look at this 1988 mini, only 70,000 miles on the clock, a bargain at 500 pounds'. The guy looks at the car and replies, 'Yes, but I would like something a bit better.' The salesman answers 'Ok, have a look at this 1990 Ford Escort, 50,000 miles on the clock and only 1000 pounds'. The guy still isn't satisfied and says ' That's ok, but haven't you anything more classy'. The salesman leads the guy to the far corner of the dealership where there is an old 1981 Austin Princess. 'Have a look at this beauty, 100,000 miles and a gift at only 4000 pounds'. '4000 pounds?' replies the guy 'but the other two cars were lots better'. 'Ahh, didn't you know' says the salesman 'you can find parts of a Princess in a Mercedes!'
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23.Did you hear that the French Doctors could have saved Diana but they didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess.
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24.Why is my Uncle Ted like Dodi's chauffeur?
Because he also used to drive a Princess before he smashed it up.
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25.What's the Queens favourite car?
A smashed up Princess
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26.Man went into a scrap yard, and said. "Have you got any spares for a Mercedes". The assistant replied. "No, but I got a pair of wings for a Princess".
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27.What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking?
She hit the roof.
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28.What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a better driver.
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29.Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods?
Their drivers suck.
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30.Too bad O.J. wasn't driving!
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31.What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chauffeur?
George Best can still take corners when he's pissed.
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32.Did you hear that Di has a new chauffeur?
Ayrton Senna.
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33.What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?
Taxi.
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34.Why wouldn´t you want to buy any computer hardware at Harrod´s?
Their drivers are crash-prone!
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35.If Teddy Kennedy was driving, they would have taken the bridge.
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36.They found a new Job for Harold Junke (German Ex Entertainer, is always stoned) as a security officer and Driver at the Paris Ritz
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37.I hear the Ritz is looking for a new driver.
They want one with tunnel vision.
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38.What`s the difference between "Thomas the Tank Engine" and Princess Di?
Thomas made it through the tunnel!
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39.What do Diana and Darren Milane have in common?
They both didn't make it home from the tunnel.
(How Melbourne-specific is this joke, eh?)
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40.What's the difference between the NFL and Princess Diana?
The NFL players came out of the tunnel Sunday.
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41.How can we be sure Princess Di's driver was not from Pittsburgh?
He'd have slowed down before entering the tunnel.
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42.Diana's new title:
Princess of Walls
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43.What was the last thing that Diana said to Dodi?
I want it hard and fast and up against the wall.
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44.What does Princess Di have in common with the Richmond Football Club?
They both got f*cked by walls.
(Another Melbourne-specific joke)
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45.What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink?
4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 7 chasers and a Pina Colida
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46.What's the difference between Lady Di and the Eastern Germans?
The Eastern Germans survived the wall.
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47.What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was the WALL.
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48.What does Princess Di turn into at midnight?
The wall
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49.Did you see the wall Di drove into?
Neither did she.
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50.What's Di's favourite ice-cream?
Walls
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51.Diana's last words: "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall!'"
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52.The Driver turned to Dodi just as they were entering the tunnel "God I'm so tired! I cannot wait until my head hits the pillar tonight"
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53.What happened to the fairy Princess when the clock struck twelve
She turned into a pillar!
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54.Did you hear they're blaming a specific tabloid for Princess Diana's death?
The Paris Post.
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55.What does Di rest her head on?
A pillar.
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56.When is a princess not a princess?
When she turns into a pole.
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57.What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian?
A solidly-built Pole.
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58.What did Princess Diana die of?
Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
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59.Diana was found to be the favourite royal in a recent pole
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60.What have Di & Ian Wright (English Footballer) got in common?
Both hit the post 4 times at the weekend.
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61.Warning for video games addicts:
Lady Di and her friends proved that playing too much 'columns' can be fatal
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62.What is the difference between Michigan State and Princess Di?
Michigan State waits to get out of the tunnel to get killed.
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63.What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her?
She wanted something more concrete in her life.
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64.Why did Dodi invest in construction?
He wanted to make a big impact on the concrete industry.
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65.How did Di and Charles disagree about Modern Architecture?
Di was wrapt about pre-stressed cement.
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66.What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car smash?
Was Fergie with her?
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67.What did Prince Charles say when he heard the news?
"Shall I garage your motorbike, Mum?"
or
... "Smashing!"
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68.What's the difference between Dodi and Di and Charles and Camilla?
Dodi and Di are just a crush
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69.Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy?
Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of the car with her.
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70.Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog."
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71.What's Di getting for Christmas?
The Queen Mother.
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72.How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?
He was the one talking to the flowers.
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73.What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes
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74.When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.
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75.What has 500 legs and 62 teeth?
The front row at Princess Diana's funeral.
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76.Why did Diana and Charles get divorced?
They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.
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77.Why does Prince Charles use Energiser Batteries?
Because they, "Never say Di".
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78.Apparently, at Diana's funeral the Queen Mother caught the bouquet.
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79.In Darlinghurst Sydney, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are sponsoring a candlelight march in honor of Princess Diana.
So, the Queens are marching for the Princess...
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80.Why did Diana divorce Charles?
She finally relized a ruler wasnt 12 inches long
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81.What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?
You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz.
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82.Hear about the big sale at Harrods? So big, it's to "Di" for...
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83.What sound did the ambulance make?
Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi...
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84.Why did Di start crying?
Because her dodi flew out the window
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85.Did Dodi do Di before Di and Dodi died?
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86.What does Dodi and Dodo have in common?
They are both extinct.
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87.Dodi's Tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they realised that he already had a radiator on his chest.
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88.Would Diana have been buried if she had been married to Dodi?
No she would then have been mummy-Fied.
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89.Wer war der letzte Indianer?
Dodi al-Fayed
Translation: Who was the last Indian?
Dodi al-Fayed
Hint: in german "Indianer", which means "Indian" is pronounced like "Indiana" or to make it very clear "In Diana".
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90.What state in the USA may have been named for an Egyptian man who had a fantasy about a Princess?
In-diana!
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91.Did you hear about the confused Irishman who laid a wreath in Knotty Ash for Doddy.
Explanation: Ken "Doddy" Dodd is an English comedian who made his home-town Knotty Ash famous
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92.Did you know that Dodi organized the accident?
He thought his father said, "Bury the whore!" instead of, "Marry the bore!".
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93.Di was on drugs...
Speed, then smack.
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94.What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?
Aren't we moving a bit to fast!
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95.Honda are going to call there latest moped 'the Diana'...
you drive like a maniac and still never reach forty
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96.Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns?
They both died when they hit a hundred.
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97.Did Diana get a telegram from the Queen when she hit 100?
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98.Why was the bodyguard so red-faced after the accident?
He had Di all over him.
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99.Whats the difference between Princess Di, and di?
You get di in a bottle. Princess Di comes in a box.
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100.I saw Dodi in a Merc the other day, and asked how he had got red paint on himself. He replyed, "It's not paint it's Di."
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101.Why couldn't the paparazzi develop the crash photos?
Cos there was bloody Di all over them.
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102.Did you know that when they pulled Dodi out of the car his penis was a funny colour.
They say it had been dipped in Di.
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103.Mercedes have recalled Dodi's car for paint problems.
The inside was splattered with Di
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104.Where were Dodi and Di heading the night of the accident?
To paint the town red.
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105.How do you paint a tunnel?
With Di.
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106.What's harder than getting ink out of the carpet?
Getting Di out of the upholstery
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107.How d'ya paint a merc red?
Di it.
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108.Was that blue blood on the pavement?
No, it was only Di.
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109.What's Diana's newest title?
The Lady in Red.
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110.Of course, I could add that the police at the scene didn't need to add chalk outlines...
There was Di all over the road.
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111.Diana: dead as a Dodi.
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112.Just before the accident the chauffer shouted, "We're going to die, we're going to die." To which Dodi replied, "No, we're going to my place."
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113.Did you hear that the paparazzi were in deep shit in Paris?
Just before the ill-fated Mercedes left the Ritz on that fateful night, they were shouting "Di, Di, Di".
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114."Die Di, die."
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115.Princess Di's driver was on his way to the pearly gates when he met God out front. He screamed, "God, what are you doing?". God replied, "What do you mean my son?" The driver replied, "I said I wanted to be f*cking Di in the tunnel, not f*cking die in the tunnel".
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116.The way I understand it... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought it was an order.
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117.What did the French doctors say to Prince Charles when they telephoned him?
"Princess Die"
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118.What did Dodi say to his chauffeur?
"Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
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119.Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
It's going to be called "Di hard".
or
... "Live and Let Di"
... "One Wedding and a Funeral"
... "Four holidays and a funeral"
And it's to be shown in drive-in theatres only
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120.Did you hear that Di is going to get married again?
They say its a match made in heaven.
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121.Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd.
You say someone's life has "come to an end".
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122.What did Elton John say when he heard of Di's dimise?
"Great another No. 1"
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123.Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
He wanted toupee his respects.
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124.Prince William and his daddy Charles were both at the funeral of Diana. William asked "Daddy, why are there so many people?" Charles answerd "It's always this crowded when Elton John plays."
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125.What was one of Elton John's jobs at Diana's funeral?
To make sure there were enough twinkies there.
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126.Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
Because he's the only queen who cares.
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127.Why did Elton john take his boyfriend to the funeral?
So at least one old queen would be seen to cry in public.
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128.Elton John is going to rename his tribute song
"Door handle through her Grin!"
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129.Elton John is now writing his next song about himself...
It's called "Like a Gerbil in the Wind."
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130.Elton John re-released "Candle In the Wind" as a single
but now that Diana is buried he should've re-released "Island Girl" instead.
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131.Another one for all fans of Techno and House music by a famous german DJ, playing the old Version of Candle in the Wind:
"Sorry, but the Tunnel mix is not available right now!"
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132.Did you know Elton John sang a song at Dodi's funeral?
Goodbye Fellow Prick Dod.
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133.There is a measure of thought that Elton should have sung
"I'm still standing"
Or...
... Crocodile Tear Rock
... Saturday nights alright for driving
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134.What is Di´s new job?
Model at Versace´s
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135.What do Diana and Versace have in common?
They both get screwed by queens and die.
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136.Why did Lady Di go and die?
She wanted to be the first to try on the Versace Summer 98 Collection.
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137.Candle in the wind (as originally drafted)
Goodbye Princess Di
May they all forget you were a tart
And have the grace to shed a tear
Before the rumours start
You went out of the country
And you tried to hide in vain
They saw you in the tabloids
You really should have changed your name
But it seems to me your driver was
Over three sheets to the wind
Never knowing what had happened
When the roof fell in
And I'd have liked to have seen the photo
But then I'm just a lout
Your minder will die of heart disease
Before the truth gets out
Royalty was tough
Those regal ears without a dick
Imagine bedding that one night
We can see you had to split
And 'specially now you're dead
Oh the Brits are all contrite
But when you were alive
They really couldn't give a shite
Goodbye Princess Di
From the young man who doesn't want to know
Who thinks you've run off to the Caribbean
To live with Marilyn Monroe
(and JFK, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Luther King, Maxwell et al.)
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138.Candle in the wind (take two)
"Goodbye Diana-queen, though I never new you at all, I fantasized about you, while in the shower stall..."
..."Even when you died, the paparazzi photographed you, while at the same time, took your pulse to make sure you wouldn't come alive...."
..."And it seems to me, you lived your life, like an adultress in the castle, never knowing, who you slept with, so the prince would give you hassle."
"I would have liked to love you, but I was just a queer, I slept with Charles long before, your highness ever did..."
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139.Sydney Morning Herald's Stay in Touch column has been running a competition for reworked lyrics to Candle in the Wind. This one is funny:
Hello Elton John.
Your career had hit the wall.
Then so did someone else,
Now you're standing tall.
An interview by Oprah,
Even the promo made me ill.
If I hear that song again,
I will have to take the pills.
And it seems to me you have become
Like a party on the North Shore -
Full of ugliness, pretension
And a crashing bore.
Yes I bought one of your albums,
But I was just a kid.
My taste got better long before
Your hair loss ever did.
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140.LONDON, Oct.1 (Wire Service) - After the recent "overwhelming" response to the re-dedication and performance of his "Candle In The Wind" at the funeral of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, pop singer Elton John has remade several of his other old hits into tributes to Diana. His song from Goodbye Yellow Brick Road entitled "Bennie And The Jets" is now "Diana And The Press." Following are the new lyrics.
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DIANA AND THE PRESS
Hey kids, the couple's not together
Diana tried to reach out but the Prince he wouldn't let her
We see it in the headlines now every day
You know the press is gonna make a killing now anyway
Say, Diana dating Dodi, have you seen them yet?
The news is that he drives her wild
D-D-D-D Diana and the Press
Oh, but she's real and she's wonderful
Diana she's really keen
She's got her Bally boots, Versace suits
You know I saw it in a magazine
D-D-D-D Diana and the Press
Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe we're blinded
Diana makes us ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
When we lose all of our own sense of guilt and say who's right and who's wrong
Say, Diana did her duty, have you seen her yet?
The news is that it drove her wild
D-D-D-D Diana and the Press
Oh, but she was real and she was wonderful
Diana she was really keen
She's got her Bally boots, Versace suits
You know I saw it in a magazine
D-D-D-D Diana and the Press
Di, Di, Di, Diana and the Press
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141.What did the paparazzi do with the little bits of Di's body before the pigs arrived?
Made a pizza and took pictures of it!
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142.I heard Di gave the paparrazzi the finger and also some of her toes as well!
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143.Where were Dodi and Di going when they were being chased by the Papparazzi?
To meet a Pole
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144.Why do the Papparazi go around sticking cameras in peoples faces and taking photos?
Because their dicks don't work
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145.Did you hear that three paparazzi died in a tunnel the other day?
They were being chased by Danii Minogue.
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146.Jerry Adams has denied that the IRA has asked the paparazzi for photos of the royal family and members of the British parliament.
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147.When I saw the headline "Paparazzi hunts Di to death", my immediate reaction was: "I'll never buy another of his records!"
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148.Why did God invent the cockroach?
So the paparazzi could have someone to look down to.
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149.Did you hear what Di said when the French photographers asked if they could take her picture in the car wreck?
"Over my dead Dodi."
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150.What was Diana's last word?
Cheese !!!
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151.What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?
'These paparazzi are driving me up the wall'
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152.What did Paparazzi say before chasing Princess Di on a motorcycle?
I'd kill for a picture, and he did.
And after the crash: Hey! This is better than the OJ case. Could you bleed a little more? I need more colour.
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153.In a surprise press release, Paris officials confirmed today that Princess Diana's internal organs will be divvyed up and sped post-haste to the most deserving charities in the world. Paparazzi have been on the alert for further sightings.
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154.What was the last thing Diana said to the paparazzi?
No more pictures, I'm a bloody Princess!
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155.Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey.
Silly cow asked for extra paparazzi.
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156.What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?
I brake for Paparazzi.
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157.What's the difference between the paparazzi and Princess Di?
The paparazzi dig for dirt, Di dug for gold.
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158.When Diana said she would never talk to the British press again I didn't know she was speaking the truth!!
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159.All 7 journalists are being charged with ma'am-slaughter.
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160.What does Diana's bumper sticker say?
My other car's a decoy.
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161.What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
Leeches fall off after you die.
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162.The paparazzi asked Prince Charles if he has had sex since divorcing Diana.
He replied, "infrequently." The paparazzi responded by saying, "Is that one word or two?"
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163.How many paparazzis does it take to kill Di?
50. One to drive in front of Di and 49 to take pictures.
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164.How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's grave?
By placing Land mines around it.
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165.THE TOP TEN MOST DEPRAVED TABLOID HEADLINES
(A Salute to the Paparazzi)
•Elvis and Diana Seen Rockin' and Rollin' in Tupelo, Mississippi •Statue of Virgin Mary in Remote Yorkshire Church Sheds Tears During Diana's Funeral •Diana's Hidden Bisexual Love Life!! Exclusive Photos of her in Elton John's Love Nest •Plans for Michael Jackson--Princess Di Cosmetic Line Put on Hold •Diana Dies in Versace Original •"Babies Spanked by Diana," says Former Nanny Co-worker •Luxury Mercedes Fails Crash Test! Company Denies Coverup! •Profit from Mortuary Photos Donated to Land Mine Victims' Rehab Centre by National Enquirer. •Princess Di's Last Booze-up. The Shocking Ritz Hotel Bar Bills •Camilla and Charles Desolate with Grief at News of Diana's Death.
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166.Press release from the National Enquirer:
"Following the gross misconduct of paparazzi at the scene of Princess Diana's death, we have decided that, after the funeral, we will no longer be accepting photos of Princess Diana for publication."
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167.The first of the Papparazzi on the scene heard Di say "help me". So he brushed her hair and put some make up on her. He then began snapping. A second scumbag arrived and hearing Di's plea's for help, put her head resting on the shoulder of Dodi and moved her hand between Dodi's legs. "There that's better!" he sais and start snapping away. Finally a well respected member of the Papparazzi arrived and immediately assesed the situation. He ran over to Di, ripped open her blouse and yelled "show us your tit's love!". Yet another member of this puke infested mob arrived but he was so drunk that he fell of his bike and landed in a pool of oil. He staggered to his feet and lit a cigarette. He immediately went on fire and as he screamed and blazed furiously, another member of the scum arrived, grabbed the flaming bag of shite and moved him close to the car so he could take better pictures in the light. The the man with the EXCLUSIVE stickers arrived and stuck them all over the car. An American tourist arrived and quickly rushed to the car. Sticking her head inside the wreck she said: "can I have your autograph? I' ve seen all your movies". Finally the French Police arrived to accept the bribes, clear the way for the Papparazzi to get more shots and to arrest three Black youths seen in the vacinity. They are now helping the Police with their enquiries. When told the news, the Queen Mother had an orgazim, the Queen turned to his lover and said "are there any crap songs I can re-release?", the Duke blamed the frogs and the Prince said that there was no way she would survive an accident like that so he ordered a new ome from BMW.
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168.Mother Teresa and Princess Di are up in heaven. Mother Teresa sees Di and wonders why Di has a huge halo around her head. Mother Teresa asks God why Di has a huge halo for doing some work with the poor and why herself has a small halo for devoting her life to helping people. God says "Mother Teresa don't tell anyone, but that's not a halo". Then he whispers "Its a steering wheel".
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169.Just heard the details of Mother Theresa's death...
It seems she died in a fiery crash of her rickshaw. After dining at the Calcutta Ritz with her playboy boyfriend, they were being pulled wildly through the streets trying to avoid the paparazzi. Rumours have started that the rickshaw driver was drunk.
So sad, two in one week.
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170.Princess Diana and Mother Theresa have died and are at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "Tell me a little about what you did on earth." The first one says, "I lived among sick and diseased people on the lowest rung of society. Every day I heard them cry out wanting more and more of me." "Yeah" said Saint Peter, "Those Paparazi are real scum. You can come in Di." Then he turned to the other woman. "What about you Mother Theresa?
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171.Why did Mother Theresa die of a heart-attack?
She had the same heart doctor as the one who worked on Princess Di
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172.What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
Around 5 days.
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173.By the way, Elton John is now set to make a tribute record for Mother Teresa...
Sandals in the bin
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174.What did the Pope say when asked, "Why was Diana more popular than Mother Theresa?"
"Well, Di did have a more smashing personality."
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175.What did Mother Theresa ask Diana the last time they met?
"Can you give me a crash course in media recognition?"
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176.What did Princess Di and Mother Theresa have in common?
They were both chaste/chased.
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177.Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother Theresa?
Mother Theresa deserved a Royal Reception.
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178.With Mother Teresa also dying it's...
Protestants one, Catholics one.
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179.Tonight we could all memorialise the sainted Mother Teresa and the beloved Princess Diana by eating curry and then sticking our fingers down our throats.
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180.Yesterday a ferryboat leaving Haiti capsized and drowned 300 people. But a tragedy was avoided when they discovered that none of them on board was a princess.
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181.From This weeks Private Eye: Gnome - The Late Princess Diana, an Apology:
IN recent weeks (not to mention the last ten years) we at the Daily Gnome, in common with all other newspapers, may have inadvertently conveyed the impression that the late Princess of Wales was in some way a neurotic, irresponsible and manipulative troublemaker who had repeatedly meddled in political matters that did not really concern her and personally embarrassed Her Majesty The Queen by her Mediterranean love-romps with the son of a discredited Egyptian businessman. We now realise as of Sunday morning that the Princess of Hearts was in fact the most saintly woman who has ever lived, who, with her charitable activities, brought hope and succour to hundreds and millions of people all over the world. We would like to express our sincere and deepest hypocrisy to all our readers on this tragic day and hope and pray that they will carry on buying our paper notwithstanding.
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182.Steve Platt's 'Things I haven't been able to get published since leaving the New Statesman' No 11: Twenty reasons why Jesus is different to Diana
1.You don't have to apologise for not believing in Jesus 2.You don't have to queue up for 24 hours to sign the condolences books for Jesus 3.No one thinks MI5 killed Jesus 4.The papers never changed their minds about Jesus 5.You can't do 120mph on a donkey 6.The Beatles were bigger than Jesus 7.Jesus only healed the lame; he never got his picture taken with them 8.Jesus hung around with Jews 9.Schoolchildren can opt out of the compulsory act of worship for Jesus 10.Jesus didn't slag off his family on television 11.There were only three kings came to see Jesus 12.No Christmas carol ever went platinum 13.Florists don't make money out of Jesus 14.Some Christians admit to doubts about the resurrection 15.The Queen was never forced to bow her head for Jesus 16.No one ever postponed a Port Vale game for Jesus 17.The churches aren't full at Easter 18.Jesus didn't even get two 'O' levels 19.There were only four accounts written of Jesus's life 20.Jesus wouldn't have been seen dead in the back of a Mercedes
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183.Do you know what was playing on the stereo when the car crashed?
Going Underground
Or ...
... "Swallow the yellow prick's load"
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184.Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana?
No, the French underground did it.
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185.What is the difference between Prince Charles and Mark Taylor?
Mark Taylor came home with the ashes
(An Australia/UK cricket joke)
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186.Why did the Poms want to cremate Di?
That way they finally get to keep the ashes!
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187.What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Di have in common?
They both come out of France in a box.
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188.What have Lady Di and a bottle of French wine got in common?
The both came from France in a wooden box
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189.What vegetable is most like Princess Diana?
French squash.
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190.Why are French tramps like Princess Diana?
Because you'll find them smashed against the wall of a Paris underpass on Saturday nights.
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191.Everyone thought Diana was a bit mad.
Well she was nearly "in the Seine".
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192.What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?
The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
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193.If you go out on the grog, then get in a car with a Wog and a Frog and drive like a hog, you'll be as dead as a dog.
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194.It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration that has been going on since 1914...
Surely it's no coincidence that the world's best-loved English woman was killed by a drunken Frenchman driving a German tank.
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195.Why has the death of of Diana been good for Ecumenism (the bringing together of Catholic and Protestant churches)?
It has been 400 years since the Church of England canonised a saint!
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196.What is worse than being chased by paparazzi?
Being chauffeured by a French driver.
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197.What's worse than being chauffeured by a French driver?
Being treated by a French doctor.
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198.What did the French photographer say to Princess Diana as she was pulled from the car wreck?
"What will you be wearing at the funeral?"
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199.What's Di's favourite song?
"I can't drive 55" Sammy Hagar
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200.Apparently Elton John wasn't the first choice to play a tribute at the Funeral.
But Tommy Steele declined since he thought "Crash-Bang-Wallop - What a Picture! - What a Photograph!" may have been in poor taste...
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201.What's the Bangles new hit?
"Crash like an Egyptian"
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202.What was her favourite band in the 80s?
TWISTED SISTER
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203.What were Di and Dodi's favourite group
CRASH TEST DUMMIES
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204.Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di...
Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!
Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard
Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana
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205.I was going to move to Paris with my wife and young son
But I hear they have the most terrible creches...
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206.My wife kept complaining that I never took her on vacation, so I decided to take her to Paris and give her the royal treatment...
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207.Dodi - "Well my dear would you like to stay the night at my luxury home? - its a couple of hours drive from here I'm afraid!"
Diana - "Oh Dodi I'm sure we can find somewhere nearer to crash for the night!!"
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208.Why was Princess Diana so thin?
Crash diet.
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209.Did you hear that Dodi wanted to go night-clubbing but Diana just wanted to crash.
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210.As Princess Di was leaving the Ritz Hotel, the guy at the reception said "So Di, your not going to sleep here tonight". Di said "No, I think I will crash somewhere else".
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211.What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz.?
"Do you want to sleep here or crash in the car?"
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212.What was Diana wearing the night of her crash?
Crushed velvet.
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213.Why did Di go to Paris?
To get smashed!
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214.What was the last thing Princess Di saw before she died? (Or, What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind?)
The Steering Wheel
or
... the dashboard
... the windscreen
... the engine block
... the back of her head
... etc.
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215.How does a french man pickup Lady Di?
With a mop!!
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216.What was the last thing she kissed?
The radiator!
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217.Have you heard that Princess Diana was on the radio?
And the dashboard, and the windscreen, and...
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218.Did you hear that Diana had Blue eyes?
One blew out the left window and the other out the right window.
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219.Where was Di last seen?
On the radio
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220.I was watching the remains being taken back in that big state coffin, and I thought "Why did they bother taking her out of the ashtray?"
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221.What's Diana and a tampon got in common?
They both go in dark holes and come out red.
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222.Where did Diana go for her holidays?
All over Paris.
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223.Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris.
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224.What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di
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225.If Diana's heart was in the right place...
why was it found in the glove box?
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226.Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.
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227.What's the similarity between Neighbours & Prince Charles?
Neighbours have Mrs Mangle, Charles has a mangled Mrs.
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228.Bearing in mind the driver was pissed out of his head, Diana's family should forget trying to sue the paparazzi, they haven't got a leg to stand on.
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229.What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common?
They both made quite an impact over in Europe.
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230.So they found out Princess Di had dandruff.
They found her "head and shoulders" in the back seat.
Hint: Head and Shoulders = Dandruff Shampoo
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231.When Princess Di went out she said to her sons i'll be back in a Jiffe
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232.Apparently it wasn't the chauffeurs fault, Di had also been drinking, reports show she had 2 pints of Carling in her.
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233.What did Will Carling, get over Dodi Fayed.
Will Carling scored while Dodi Fayed hit the post.
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234.Was it tactful to escort the coffin with cavalry officers...
and then a load of high power motorbikes
Hint: Major James Hewitt (cad, bounder and ex-lover of the her royalness) was an officer in the house hold cavalry.
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235.Diana's funeral song: "Looking for love in all the wrong places".
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236.What is Dodi's new pet name for Di?
Squidgy
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237.What were Dodi's last words?
'Faster! Faster!'
Hint: The driver misunderstood the expressions of pleasure for orders... hence the accident.
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238.How do you make a hormone?
Put her in a car with an Egyptian playboy and a drunken driver.
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239.Saint Peter asks Lady Di and her three companions why they're here at the Pearly Gates. Di and Dodi answer together, "It's the chauffeurs fault. He was driving like a bloody mad man." The chauffeur tries to defend himself, "No, that's not fair! We where all pretty shit-faced and they kept yelling, 'Faster! Faster! Don't stop! Don't stop!'" "We weren't bloody talking to you," explains Princess Di. Saint Peter turns to the bodyguard. "I don't even want to hear your story. Just go home and forget it."
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240.What did they find in Diana's mouth ?
The tip of an Egyptian penis.
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241.Why will they cremate Princess Di?
She won't fit into the coffin 'cause they can't get her to keep her legs closed!
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242.Upon hearing about her death, one of Diana's lovers said, "Well now that's my Thursday night's f*cked... I wonder what Fergie's doing?"
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243.It was understood that Dodi and Di were due to make a movie togeteher.
It was going to be called Poke-her-highness.
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244.Who was the last guy to f*ck princess Di?
The doctor who turned her life support machine off!
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245.Have you heard about the Lady Di Inflatable Doll?
You can make the 'People's Princess' your own personal princess!
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246.What are the last two things Dodi did?
Di
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247.Come gather around people,
And hear what we tell...
Of an Arab and a Princess,
Now rotting in hell.
Diana and Dodi,
No longer walk tall...
At 200 kilometers,
Smack into a wall.
Bodyguard drunk,
The chauffeur was pissed...
All of them dead,
And none will be missed.
To all of Great Britain,
It seems such bad luck,
The rest of the world,
Just don't give a f*ck.
Paparazzi snapping,
With their cameras new-fangled...
But we all want to see,
The shots of them mangled.
If only they knew,
It would come as a shock...
That when she was killed,
She was sucking his c*ck.
Now Charles can talk openly,
About f*cking Camilla,
Now longer has to do it,
In a secret French villa.
Prince William and Harry,
They cried many tears,
But mummies been f*cking,
All around her for years.
Soul of the party,
At the Queen's secret orgies,
With her licking and sucking,
And f*cking and corgies.
Stately funeral,
As if they'd been shot...
F*ck her in the ground,
And let the bitch rot.
All the King's surgeons,
And all the King's men,
Couldn't put the whore,
Back together again.
A gold digging bimbo,
Who failed all her tests,
Now it is time,
To lay her to rest.
Eating and drinking,
With the Lords and the rich,
You won't need food now,
You bulimic bitch!
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248.A moral tale
Princess Di and playboy El-Fayad
Were chased by the press on a ri-ed
But the drived was pissed
And the corner was missed
Too fast - and no seatbelts they di-ed.
Earl Spencer behaved like an ass
His speech content really was crass
With sentiment teenage
and populist spleen-age
It sure did appeal to the mass.
The press they announced Elton's song
With saccharine drivelling on
Norma Jean's haunting tribute
reduced to a song cute
and nauseous, sickly and wrong.
Queen Liz was all of a fuss
Her Xmas speech caused her to cuss:
"If only Fergie had died
as well on the ride
t'would have been 'Annus Terrificus' "
The hospital committee said "Why
Don't we name the new ward after Di?"
But for services dedicated
and contribution triplicated
It got called 'Henri Paul' - what a guy!
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249.What would Diana be doing if she were alive today?
Trying to claw her way out of her coffin.
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250.What is Diana doing right now?
Decomposing.
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251.How do you make a princess blush?
take one leggy, knockout princess
place in a mercedes
crush thouroughly
place juices in a jug, add yeast, wait 7-14 days
strain and place in a nice decanter and...
voila... a princess blush
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252.How do you make a princess pregnant?
Cum on the radiator and let the merc do the rest.
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253.How do you spoil Princess Diana?
Leave her out in the sun.
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254.Did you hear that Prince William went out for a couple of drinks that saturday night and came home absolutely motherless.
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255.Princess Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day... both appear at the Pearly Gates, but St. Peter tells them there is only room for one more in heaven today. So he asks them both why they should be allowed in over the other.
Dolly pulls off her top and says, "see? these are the most beautiful ones in God's creation, and he should be allowed to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter says "very nice", then turns to Princess Di and asks why SHE should be allowed in. Di says nothing, but lifts her dress, drops her knickers and douches with a bottle of Perrier.
St. Peter says "Ok, Diana you can go in." Dolly is infuriated. "I show you the most beautiful breasts God has ever created, and she performs a vulgar act and you let HER in?"
"I'm sorry," says Peter, "but a Royal Flush always beats a pair."
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256.Knock knock.
Who's there?
Di
Di who?
See, easily forgotten.
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257.What did Diana do in real life?
Nothing.
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258.Why did Diana die?
Who cares?
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259.Poor Dodi Fayed!
Uninteresting alive,
Just barely when dead.
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260.We all know where Princess Di was buried, but where was Dodi buried?
Who the f*ck cares?
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261.What was Diana's last dessert dish?
a Turnover.
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262.Burger King is going to offer a Lady Di Combo:
Egyptian sausage on an Englsh muff-in splattered with ketchup all over and a bottle of perrier.
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263.Did you hear Pizza Hut is anouncing a "Princess Di Meatlover's Pizza"? It's made with two kinds of meat: Egyptian sausage and Welsh beaver.
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264.The princess used to like fish and chips but now she's stuck on ribs.
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265.Diana's name has been changed to...
The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.
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266.What do you give to a princess who has everything?
A safetybelt and an airbag.
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267.What were Princess Diana's last words?
"Darn, I can't auction this dress now!"
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268.Anagrams of "Princess Diana"
A car spins, I end
Ascend in Paris
Dies in Car, Naps
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269.Anagram for "Diana Spencer"
Pain Ends Race
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270.Anagram for "Diana, Princess of Wales"
Diana's Wolf Penis Races
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271.What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant?
They both bought it in the backseat of a car.
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272.What's the similarity between Princess Di and a landmine?
They're both easy to lay but difficult to clear up.
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273.What's the difference between the a Royal Mail strike and Diana?
A Royal mail strike stops the post ... and a post stops Diana.
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274.What do William & Harry have in common with a flower garden in January (July in the antipodes)?
Dead Mums
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275.What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Or...
... Princess Diana never became a queen of England.
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276.Whats the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?
A Volvo has the heir-bag in the front.
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277.What's the difference between Freddy Mercury and Princess Di?
Freddy lived long enough to be a Queen.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
278.What does Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?
Both had to die to get away from Queen.
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279.What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes and a puppy?
The puppy eventually stops whining.
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280.What's the difference between Diana and a pocketful of change?
It's easier to scrape together a pocketful of change.
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281.What does Diana and Cinderella have in common ?
Their car became a pumpkin
Hint: In spanish pumpkin (Calabaza) is synonymous of shit (caca)
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282.What do Lady Di and John Denver have in common?
They're both dead and they both sucked
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283.What is the difference between Pricess Di and Michael Hutchence?
Hutchence was wearing a belt when he died
------------------------------------------------------------------------
284.What's the difference between Princess Di and Michael Hutchence?
Princess Di made it out of the Ritz.
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285.What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Princess Diana?
Whitney Houston's bodyguard saved her.
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286.Why does Kevin Costner want Princess Di in his next movie?
He thinks she'll be a smash hit.
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287.Why did Di die?
She thought she was to appear in Waterworld 2.
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288.Wat is de overeenkomst tussen Lady Di en de Family Gumuz?
Ze zijn allebei de pijp uit.
Translation: What does Lady Di and the family Gumuz have in common?
They are both out of the Pipe.
Hint: The family Gumuz was a Turkish family living illegally for 6 years in Amsterdam in De pijp. "De Pijp uit" means in English Dead, and it was also the name of the part of Amsterdam were the Gumuz family lived.
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289.What does Princess Di and landmines have in common?
Their both laid by arabs
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290.What's does Princess Di and Stuart Diver have in common?
Nothing Princess Di's dead!
Hint:Stuart Diver was the sole surviver from a landslide in Thredbo, a popular ski resort in Australia
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291.What's the difference between Princess Di and Stuart Diver's wife?
One got f**ked by a Diver the onther got f**ked by a driver.
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292.Did you here that after more than 60 hours after the crash Stuart Diver was found alive and well in the glovebox.
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293.Did you hear that the Frecnh are making a new day to commerate Dodi and Di's Death?
They're gonna call it DodiDiDieDay
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294.Di drink - Di drive - Di died
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295.Diana did a deadly deed!
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296.A possible headline in germany:
Di tot. Dodi dito.
Translation:
Di dead. Dodi dito.
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297.John Denver's Tribute to Diana
(To the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy")
Well, I was a useless bitch, and a real glitterati,
Dolled up to the nines, I was arrogant and snotty,
Instead of a Mercedes, should've took a Maserati!
Thank God I'm a hoi-poloi!
I was jetting 'round the world, posing for the papparazzi,
But now I'm being mocked on the Net by a Nazi,
It's a big comedown for a Lady Hotsy-Totsy!
Thank God I'm a hoi-poloi!
I had fame, I had fans,
I had money and glory,
But a piss-drunk frog
Put an end to my story,
When he tried to take a tunnel at a hundred and forty...
Thank God I'm a hoi-poloi!
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298.Seine River Curve [i.e., Dead man's curve]
(v) I was cruising in my Mercedes late one night
And the paparazzi pulled up on the right
They took their cameras out of their bags
and took pictures of us for their mags
I said "fuck you buddy" --I was really high
If you want pictures of Lady Di
it's a crime and your'e way outta line
I flipped him the bird
he didn't have the nerve
Catch me all the way to
Seine River Curve
(c) Seine River Curve
Di was killed on Sunday
seine River Curve
she was buried on Monday
no one comes back from
Seine River Curve
(v.2) I chugged two beers late Saturday night
The paparazzi had us in their camera sights
I dropped the gears -and then got mean
You should have heard the whine from screaming Diane
I flew past the Eiffel--I was so tight
and the smell of my breath gave the paparazzi a fright
The Fiat passed us at the Louvre and we started to swerve
then I passed out, and woke up going into Seine River Curve
By the way the version we tell is that Pavarotti was chasing them for their leftovers.
Thanks to ... Tasteless songs for sensitive people on the 669 show WCSB 89.3 Cleveland
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299.Leader of the Pack
He met her at the lingerie store
She said charlie didnt love her anymore
That's when she fell for dodi el-fayed
The royal family was always putting her down, down down
The Queen mum said that di spent too much on gowns
Charlie was such a mama's boy
he always loved Camilla anyway
that's why Di fell for Dodi el fayed
She heard that Charlie found someone knew
and that he and Di were all through
Prince Charlie was a bum
and Princess Di wasn't so dumb
that's why she fell for Dodi el fayed.
His mum was always putting her down
Charlie liked to play around
He should have had it made
Princess Di was one hot babe
that's why she fell for Dodi El fayed
Thanks to ... Tasteless songs for sensitive people on the 669 show WCSB 89.3 Cleveland
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300.Boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B
There was a hot babe down Paris way
had a lot of class when she got laid
Her ex was a punk
and the driver was drunk
She's in heaven now
Smiling happily
She's the dead princess who went 103
She was a real dish with a royal past
Her first husband was a bloody ass
But the driver was trashed
when he stepped on the gas
She's in heaven now
Smiling happily
She's the dead princess who went 103
Everyone said she had great taste
when she died it was a real waste
but the paparazzi chased
and she spun out of the race
She's in heaven now
Smiling happily
s the dead princess who went 103
She was in a mercedes going a hundred per
escaping paparazzi taking pics of her
She was a babe with real class
but then her number came up and she was gone in a flash
She's in heaven now
smiling happily
she's the dead princess who went 103
It really brought her down because she lost her man
the guys with the cameras just didnt understand
she was hi class royalty
but her ticket was cashed and she was killed in a crash
She's in heaven now
smiling happily
she's the dead princess who went 103
Thanks to ... Tasteless songs for sensitive people on the 669 show WCSB 89.3 Cleveland
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301.Ballad of Jed Clampett - The theme from the Beverly Hillbillies
This is a story about Dodi and Di
they were eating at the Ritz and he felt her thigh
said my chateau is where we outta be
So they got in the Mercedes and drove crazily
Benz that is
Paris France
home of escarots and truffles
she got so excited she almost up-chucked her food
and the people at the Ritz would have thought that was rude
Please poke me Dodi, I ain't no prude
take me to your chateau, and you can see me nude
so they piled in the Mercedes,
she and her dude
French kissing in France beneath the Paris moon
Well the first thing you know Di gave Chuck the air
Her and Dodi made a real lovely pair
He caressed her tenderly and she didnt have a care
he ran his fingers throught her golden hair
and said her tits looked like little pairs
Anjou, that is
Anjou, France
and kisses sweeter than wine
Well , their wedding would have been a lovely sight
it's too bad that the driver was tight
He drove left but the car went right
into the tunnel in the middle of the night
by the Seine
3 lives down the drain
and the princess screaming in pain
Thanks to ... Tasteless songs for sensitive people on the 669 show WCSB 89.3 Cleveland
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302.PRINCESS DIANA SONG
(apologies to Don McLean)
Bye, bye, driver, Dodi and Di
Drove my Merc to the tunnel but paparazzi were nigh
And good old driver was drinking whisky and rye
Singing this'll be the day that we Di
Now Charles thought he was off scot free
But Camilla said "hey, how about me?"
And Will and Harry were sad as can be
The day the Princess died
Bye, bye, driver, Dodi and Di
Drove my Merc to the tunnel but paparazzi were nigh
And good old driver was drinking whisky and rye
Singing this'll be the day that we Di
Now Di died from a broken heart
Earl Spencer tore the press apart
And Elton's song was very smart
But still the people cried
And they were singing:
Bye, bye, driver, Dodi and Di
Drove my Merc to the tunnel but paparazzi were nigh
And good old driver was drinking whisky and rye
Singing this'll be the day that we Di
This'll be the day that we Diiiii...
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303.To the tune of "Joey", by Concrete Blond"
Dodi,baby,
Don't get, crazy.
I'm so expensive,
Let's drive, defensive.
I know I've been snapped before,
And we won't take it anymore,
So we go on sneaking out the hotels' back door.
Now I guess we wonder why,
I may bleed until I die,
Oh, Dodi, if you're mangled so am I.
Dodi, honey, you had the money.
The car is, in pieces.
Screeches, screeches.
Chorus:()
(Well if my dream has been defused,
Then I shouldn't be with you,
And when you hit the skids,
Then I guess I hit them too.)
We aren't that lucky anymore,
I saw you fly on out the door,
And now you're somewhere out there,
splattered on the floor.
Oh, Dodi, I'm not breathig anymore
Chorus:(again)
And if it's love you're looking for,
I guess I'm just a royal whore,
and now you're somewhere out there,
splattered on the floor.
Dodi, I'm not breathing anymore,
Breathing anymore, breathing anymore...
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304.Smash Hits '97
The Diana Tribute CD
CD1
Sheena Easton - Weekend in Paris
Doors - Moonlight Drive
Mr Mister - I'll Let You Drive
Stan Ridgway - Drive, She Said
Patrick Juyet - Paris By Night
Stephen Stills - Midnight in Paris
Supertramp - Take The Long Way Home
Ride - Drive Blind
Motorhead - Ridin' With The Driver
Albert Collins - I'm Not Drunk
Timbuk 3 - Reckless Driver
Trashcan Sinatras - Maybe I Should Drive
Little Village - Don't Think About Her When You're Trying To Drive
Eagles - Life in the Fast Lane
Dickies - Roadkill
Queensryche - Last Time In Paris
Abomination - Tunnel of Damnation
Slayer - Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers
Coroner - Tunnel of Pain
Tommy Steele - Crash, Bang Wollop. ("What a picture, what a photograph!")
CD2
Debbie Friedman - L'cha Dodi
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
Billy Idol - Speed
10CC - Speed Kills
Deep Purple - Speed King
Dio - I Speed At Night
My Systers Machine - Love At High Speed
Bonnie Tyler - Faster Than the Speed of Night
Walkabouts - Breakneck Speed
Butt Trumpet - Funeral Crashing Tonite
Nick Cave - Your Funeral My Trial
Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!
U2 - Daddy's Gonna Pay For Your Crashed Car
Front 242 - Don't Crash
Ted Mulry Gang - Jump In my Car
The Beatles - Drive My Car
Lou Reed - Walk On The Wild Side ("Then I guess she had to crash, valium woulda helped that bash", "and the coloured girls say Dodi-doo Dodi-Dodi-doo..")
BONUS CD SINGLE: Crash Test Dummies - Candle in the Wind ('97 remix).
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305.The Paris Tunnel Song
(Apologies to Paul Simon)
Slow down, you drive too fast.
You got to make the evening last.
Just cruisin' near the tunnel wall.
Running from press and feelin' groovy.
Hello roof support, what cha knowing?
Watch Di help the flowers growin'
Ain't cha got more wine for me?
Doot-in' Dodi, feelin' groovy.
Got no deeds to do. No promises to keep.
I'm drunk and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let evening time push the pedal for me.
Damn, the pillar. Now not groovy.
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306.Conspiracy Theories:
•The garden gnomes did it to change the subject. •The florists did it to make a killing (no pun intended) on the British carnation market. •Disgruntled MI6 member did it for a discount at the Harrod's Food Hall.
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307.The whole incident concerning Princess Diana was actually a cover-up. Seems Princess Diana actually died in a scuba diving accident. There were seven Italian whale watchers chasing after her, and she ended up suffering from a rapid decompression of the Benz.
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308.One English language newspaper ran the headline:
PRINCESS DIed
And, in the You Knew It had to Happen Dept: A Volvo dealer in Macau lost his franchise after running an ad with a picture of Prince Diana and the tagline, "She'd still be alive if she was in a Volvo."
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309.A policeman at the scene was trying to take her knickers off, his superior asked what he thought he was doing. He replied, "you told me to measure the skid marks".
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310.Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus?
Your computer speeds up, your driver runs into a post processor, and your hard drive crashes.
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311.Diana died in a flash.
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312.What were Diana's last words?
'Have you been dri'
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313.Why did Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Or ...
Momentum!
Yoda told her to.
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314.We all know what sticklers the Brits are when it comes to proper grammar... so I suggest we use the proper tense when referring to Lady Di...
in the future, please refer to her as Lady Dead or Princess Dead.
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315.What is Britain's new national anthem after Diana's death
"Under the Broadwalk "
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316.Famous last words:
Don't worry I can lose them.
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317.Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana?
Because he's a quadraplegic!
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318.Princess Diana was once a kindergarten teacher.
Now she's history.
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319.(Sung to the tune of "Mares eat oats and Does eat oats...)
Oh.. Di she died
And Dodi died
'Cause piss-ed was her driver,
A skid while your driving through
Wouldn't do.
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320.Did you hear about A Current Affair's renenactment of the tunnel incident?
The crew crashed!
According to the footnote on Mike's page - this actually happened
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321.Di's spiritual path
Started out CofE, wanted to marry into Islam and turned into an RSJ.
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322.What does Diana want for Christams in Heaven?
Her two front teeth!
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323.News Flash: Paris Terrorists now know that they need someting heavier or faster than a Mercedes to knock down bridges...
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324.Diana's last words: 'Take me up the tunnel, make me scream!'
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325.Bad news for Princess Diana's bulemia...
She's losing weight again!
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326.Bill Gates was dissapointed to hear how Diana died...
Her Crashes affect more people than his.
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327."paparazzi defense" becoming in vogue for drunk drivers...
...Indeed some suggest the 'not guilty by reason of paparazzi' boon is the biggest plea to hit the U.S. judicial system since the classic 'not guilty by of reason insanity' line.
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328.Why was Princess Di' car going so fast?
She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.
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329.Diana, Queen of Hearts? More like off with her head!
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330.Diana, Princess of Wales; formerly Diana, The Princess of Wales; now merely the artist formerly known as Diana.
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331.New Royalist T-shirt slogan: "Save the Wales"
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332.Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the tunnel was blocked
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333.Why did the chicken enter the tunnel?
To feed off princess Di's rotting corpse.
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334.How did Di finish her last tennis match ?
w.o. after the tie break.
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335.How many bodyguards does it take to save a princess?
More than one.
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336.Wat is het laatste bord waar Diana van gegeten heeft?
Het Dashbord.
Translation...
What is the last plate Diana ate off?
The dashboard!!
Explanation: plate in dutch is a 'bord', it's pronauncend the same in dashbord.
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337.Quelle est la définition d'une soirée idéale pour un anglais?
On dine au Ritz, on file à l'anglaise et on fini en boîte.
Which, translates to something like:
What is an English person's definition of the perfect night out?
Dinner at the Ritz, sneak out the back, and wind up at a nightclub/in a tin can.
"Filer à l'anglaise" is slang for sneaking away.
"Boîte" is a tin can, but is also slang for nightclub.
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338.Have you heard, Kiri te Kanawa and Placido Domingo are recording a tribute for the Princess of Wales?
The Di Aria
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339.What is Prince William getting for his birthday?
A canoe so that he can visit his mum!
(Hint: Di is buried on an island)
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340.What kind of animal has an asshole in the middle of its back?
Prince Charles' horse!!
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341.What do Princess Diana and the Eurostar have in common?
They both travel through a tunnel at 120mph and terminate in Paris.
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342.What did Diana say when Dodi blew in her ear?
"Thanks for the refill".
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343.What do you call ten princesses standing in a row?
A wind tunnel.
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344.What's the first thing Diana does when she wakes up in the morning?
She walks home.
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